40 PEEKS | 12 YEARS

Today marks 12 years since my mom passed away.  She was 58 years old and was taken from us way too soon.  I remember the day she passed vividly along with the 6 months leading up to that day.  You see, my mom was very healthy for most of her life.  She was rarely ever sick so a diagnosis of cancer during the summer of 2002 hit us like a ton of bricks.  For several months, my mom complained of a shoulder pain.  She initially thought she hurt it by lifting a box in the closet.  Then as time went on, she thought maybe she had a rotator cuff issue and really didn’t want to go through surgery.  She lived with the pain, took advil, and said she was managing ok.  After a while, she started to get a pain in her side.  She assumed that since she was favoring her “bad” shoulder, she was straining while getting out of bed each day and that’s what caused the pain in her side.  All of these explanations made sense and my mom was also a physician so it was not uncommon for her to self-treat minor aches and pains.  After a few months, she decided she should go to the orthopedist and get it checked out since it wasn’t improving.  What happened in the weeks that followed shocked us all.

It was 4th of July weekend in 2002 and I was visiting friends in Connecticut for the weekend.  I was surprised to get a call from my dad asking me to come home.  It was bad news.  My mom had spoken with the radiologist and asked about her test results.  Since it was a holiday weekend and my mom’s doctor was not available, the radiologist shared the results with her over the phone as a professional courtesy.  He asked my mom how she was feeling and I distinctly remember my mom saying she felt fine.  She said her shoulder hurt but she was managing the pain with Advil.  The radiologist then said something like, “I don’t know how to tell you this but you have a big tumor in your shoulder.  It looks like there may be others going up your clavicle but we’ll need to do additional scans to determine if they’re anywhere else.”  WHAT???  We were expecting to hear that my mom needed rotator cuff surgery.  Cancer was never something we even considered.

In the days that followed, my mom went through a number of other tests and it was confirmed that she had a blood cancer called multiple myeloma that was basically attacking her bones.  The tumors were everywhere – her shoulder, her spine, her ribs and even her skull.  The pain she felt in her side was actually fractured ribs.  Overnight, our lives changed and while my mom said she felt fine at the beginning of July, she deteriorated rapidly over the next few weeks and actually ended up spending a week in the hospital at the end of July.  Her spine was compressed because of the tumors/fractures and she shrunk several inches in height.  This, in turn, led to the compression of her lungs which caused lots of breathing issues.  During this time, my mom was also going through chemotherapy, radiation and she was being prepared for a stem cell transplant (her own) that would take place in December.

My mom was such a strong, independent woman.  Seeing her suffer and go through such tremendous pain was heartbreaking.  Throughout it all, though, she had so much hope that the treatments would work and she would fight the cancer.  She was still relatively young and had a lot to live for.  She went through all of the recommended treatment options and in December of 2002, we took her to the hospital for her stem cell transplant.  She wanted to move forward with this part of the treatment since it was supposed to be her road to recovery.  We knew she would be in the hospital for a couple of weeks but what we didn’t know was that she would never come home again.  My mom stayed in the hospital for over five weeks until she passed.  While the stem cell transplant went ok, the complications she experienced in her lungs took a turn for the worse and eventually took her life.  On January 17th, 2003, my Dad and I said goodbye to my mom which, to this day, is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I am an only child and I was very close to my mom.  I spoke to her every day no matter where I lived (Michigan for college, Los Angeles where I had my first job after college, Maryland where I went to Business School and finally right outside NYC, where I was just 45 minutes from home).  From the day my mom was first diagnosed with cancer, our lives changed forever.  I cried every single day when she was sick and every day after she passed.  My heart was ripped wide open and my Dad and I tried to comfort each other during the weeks, months and years that followed.  It’s now twelve years later and I still feel a huge void.  While the wounds have healed, the scars run deep.  I am continuously reminded of the loss on a regular basis – days that are so normal for most people can be bittersweet for me.  Birthdays, holidays, Mothers Day, bridal showers, weddings, baby showers. I was 28 when my mom died and while I am blessed to have had as many years with her as I did, I still feel the loss tremendously.  I feel sad that my husband Dhimant never met my mom since the two of us met after she passed.  I feel sad that I don’t have my mom to talk to daily anymore.  I feel sad that I can’t tell to her about the happy things I experience or talk through the challenges I face.  I feel sad that I can’t just pick up the phone and hear her voice anymore.

My Dad has done an amazing job trying to fill the role of two parents over the past twelve years.  It has been extremely hard on him too, since he was experiencing his own grief at the same time.  I fortunately met my husband a couple of years after my mom passed and I sometimes think that she sent Dhimant to me.  He came into my life at just the right time and has always been so kind, comforting and understanding.  Even though he never met my mom, he has heard so many stories and he truly understands my relationship with my mom and why to this day I still feel a significant loss.  I am truly blessed to have both my Dad and Dhimant and love them both more than they know.  But, the void in my heart for my mom will always be there.  No one has ever been able to take her place and no one ever will.

People say time heals all wounds but in my experience, I think that time just teaches you how to deal with things better and how to move forward.  I struggled with moving forward for a long time and will admit that I still struggle today in certain circumstances.  I never in a million years thought I would lose my mom when I was 28 and would have to figure out how to navigate through life afterwards.  Fortunately, however, my mom shared so many words of wisdom and good advice and gave me so much love that I carry that with me each and every day.  These memories comfort me when I’m down and encourage me as I attempt new endeavors.  They remind me that I can do anything and that sometimes it’s ok to take a step back for the right reasons.    I cherish all of the ordinary and extraordinary moments captured in photographs and sometimes even see my mom smile when I look in the mirror.  It’s happened several times over the years and I love that I have part of her in me and always will.

So today and everyday, I remember my mom.  I will be spending the day with my Dad and Dhimant like we do almost every year on January 17th.  While it’s the day of her passing, it’s also the day we celebrate her life.  She touched so many people throughout her life but no one more than me.  And for that, I am forever grateful.  I love you, Mom!  I still miss you every day but get solace from the fact that you are now at peace.  xoxo